Comfort

Today, Father has done nothing but amaze and remind me of how strong He is. How he can always comfort us in a time when he seems far away. I guess he is always doing this, the only thing keeping me from seeing it is...me. 

Paul and I finally broke down and bought Bethel's album "You Make Me Brave". I have been using youtube to listen to it for the longest time and finally decided to stop being a cheapo and buy it :) I was riding in the Jeep with the Caroline this morning and she says, "mama, can you play our song?" I asked her which she was referring to and she began to sing, "...through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you, through it all, through it all, it is well..." My heart jumped with joy. So I turned it on and as we sang together my heart filled with joy; and in that moment all the sadness seemed to cease. The next song came on, it is called "You make Me Brave" We have sang this in church several times recently and I knew I liked it; but today was different. I truly began listening to the lyrics and began praying this song over my life. 

The lyrics say this:

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave, you make me brave

You called me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave, you make me brave

No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

*you can listen to the Brave,  here*

This song brought so much comfort into my life today. It brought a peace to my worried soul. God's got this, no matter what. No matter the outcome of this situation, he is in control 100%. 

We have family that came in town this weekend. My dad's mom, sister, brother, and his brother's girlfriend. We haven't seen them in so long and it was a great day spent laughing and just loving on one another. 

I was talking to my aunt about daddy and all that is going on and I said, "You know, God did a pretty good job in picking daddy to have this disease." She looks at me and says, "You are so right, I said the same thing. He couldn't have picked a better man, He always has an awesome plan." 

I truly believe that God can heal my daddy of this horrid disease. I also know that God ultimately gets the glory 100% and even if he chooses to not heal daddy he is going to do something amazing through this battle. 

I saw my dad laugh and enjoy himself more today than I have in a very long time. It was a nice break from the normal. Seeing him like this brought comfort also. Seeing daddy be able to just enjoy time with family and just breath was nice. 

Just a brief update:

Depression is a big side effect of PSP. It hits fiercely and quickly. So they had daddy on Zoloft. The Zoloft did nothing but make him sleep. He was awake maybe 4 hours a day, he wouldn't make eye contact or talk much. This was not working well for him. So they changed him to an antidepressant on the opposite end of the spectrum. I can't remember the name of it; I believe it starts with an "L". Anywho, this has done wonders. He has more energy, he makes eye contact and will talk with us. This is a true answer to prayers. The only thing I've noticed is that he doesn't want to eat much and he has thrown up a good bit in the past two days. We are not sure what is causing this to happen. I'm praying we can figure this out soon. 

Some scriptures I found today on comfort that I loved, and I hope the bless you as well:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
(NIV)

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? (NIV)

Peace and Hope

Peace and Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:1-5

My mom sent me this scripture today. We are learning to trust in this peace and hope that gives us our strength to go on every day. 

God is good no matter what. Through it all HE IS GOOD! 

We are often taught that  "God will never give us more than we can handle." I went most of my life angry at God because I never understood why bad things were happening when God would never give me more than I could handle. 

I have come to learn in 26 years that God WILL give us more than we can handle because when we get to the point of giving up we should cling tightest to Him and not our own efforts. 

So, this is what I am doing. For me personally, life right now is a roller-coaster of emotions. One day I am happy, no...I would more say OK, then the next day I am angry, and the next I am sad. People have told me lately they are impressed with how "poised" I am and that "I seem to be handling everything so well..." I just laugh to my self because this is NOT how I feel at all. I am a wreck. 

I learned a few years ago after much counseling and discipleship training that it is OK to be sad, it is OK to cry, it is OK to be a wreck. It does not mean I am weak. I am owning that. 

In the middle of finding out daddy's diagnosis God was sending me promises and messages through many different people. These messages were coming through Facebook, Instagram, sermons, and songs. Each one the same. The message was this "It is well, with my soul" I laughed a snarky laugh and said, "God, it is not well with my soul. I am no where close to being well in my soul. I am so angry with you. How could you even begin to say 'it is well with my soul?'" And then I realized he wasn't saying that my soul was well at that moment, he was saying I needed to make peace and grasp onto the truth that my soul CAN AND WILL be well. He is making beauty through this battle. 

So I will share the song that is my battle cry right now, It Is Well by Bethel

My favorite line in the song is this,

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

The waves and wind still know His name! How awesome is that? 

I hope in the middle of our battle you can learn with us. I hope this blog can help bring peace to others struggling and that more and more will learn about PSP. 

The Diagnosis

About five weeks ago we finally were given the actual diagnosis for daddy. He was diagnosed with PSP- Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. Progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP) is a neurodegenerative brain disease that has no known cause, treatment or cure. It affects nerve cells that control walking, balance, mobility, vision, speech, and swallowing. Five to six people per 100,000 will develop PSP. 

Common symptoms of PSP include:

• Loss of balance
• Changes in personality
• Loss of eye movement, including vertical movement
• Weakened movement of mouth and tongue
• Slurred speech
• Trouble swallowing

PSP is terminal, however the life expectancy of someone with PSP is 5-7 years. Sadly, diagnosis is difficult and once diagnosed, the person normally is already 2 years in or more. There is NO CURE and there is NO TREATMENT. There are a few medications to help "deal" with symptoms. But in my daddy's case they don't offer much relief. 

They believe daddy to be at least 3 years in, if not more. His symptoms are progressing rather quickly. His eyes do not move much anymore, and his eyelids do not stay open very long at all. Swallowing is beginning to get difficult; and he is beginning to get rigid. 

Life is changing quickly. My mom is having to be even more of a caretaker and also work full time. We don't know how much longer we have until he can no longer walk, talk, or swallow. 

This battle we are now facing is our Goliath. We are heartbroken, scared, and having to learn how to do life a whole new way. We know where our strength comes from and we are going in with all the strength of the Lord! 

We don't like this diagnosis and didn't ask for it, but we know that in all things God will receive the glory. 

If you would like to learn more about PSP please visit the CURE PSP website