Is God Good?

It's been a while since I have posted on here. Most of my updates and posts have been via our support page for daddy, Miracles For Mike. And, because, in all honesty, I haven't known what to say in a blog. This changed this morning.

IS GOD GOOD?

This is a statement I have been struggling with over the past few months. I have claimed it's truth many times, I have told friends and family and agreed with them that YES, God is good! But through out all of this God keeps asking me, "am I good?" "Jennifer, do you really think I am good?"

"Do you want honesty, God? Do I really have to say it out loud, and all of my friends and family read this?" has been my prayer. He responds with a total truth of who He really is, "I still love you, despite your answer. I still accept you, despite your answer." "Ok, God. No. I don't see how you are good through this. I don't see how you truly are good when this disease you allowed daddy to have is causing him to vomit daily. When it's causing him to not be able to see and enjoy his family, grandkids, and the beauty of spring he loves so much. I'm sorry, God, I don't see your goodness in this."

BUT GOD, showed up in all of his grace and love this morning and I read Genesis 1.

Through out chapter 1 God is creating the world. After he creates each part it says "...and God saw it was good." It says this a total of 5 times in 31 verses. Then, God says, "let us create mankind in OUR image and in OUR likeness"After he creates mankind He says, "...it is VERY good." If we are created in God's image and likeness and He says it is "very good" how can God not be good? 

And then, He reminded me of one of my favorite verses (ironic, right? we forget so quickly when we question God)

Romans 8:28- "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." He is good through it all. Through all the pain, vomiting, and tremors, he is good.

Today I am claiming it again and BELIEVING it! You are good, God. You are, good. I do see it through the mess. I see it more when you use Daddy to bring others back to you. I saw it last night when mom sent me a text saying how wide open Daddy's eyes were and that he was able to walk through the woods and yard and see the beauty of spring. I'm sorry for losing site of this. Forgive me, Lord.

Thank you for loving me despite my doubt.

Comfort

Today, Father has done nothing but amaze and remind me of how strong He is. How he can always comfort us in a time when he seems far away. I guess he is always doing this, the only thing keeping me from seeing it is...me. 

Paul and I finally broke down and bought Bethel's album "You Make Me Brave". I have been using youtube to listen to it for the longest time and finally decided to stop being a cheapo and buy it :) I was riding in the Jeep with the Caroline this morning and she says, "mama, can you play our song?" I asked her which she was referring to and she began to sing, "...through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you, through it all, through it all, it is well..." My heart jumped with joy. So I turned it on and as we sang together my heart filled with joy; and in that moment all the sadness seemed to cease. The next song came on, it is called "You make Me Brave" We have sang this in church several times recently and I knew I liked it; but today was different. I truly began listening to the lyrics and began praying this song over my life. 

The lyrics say this:

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave, you make me brave

You called me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave, you make me brave

No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

*you can listen to the Brave,  here*

This song brought so much comfort into my life today. It brought a peace to my worried soul. God's got this, no matter what. No matter the outcome of this situation, he is in control 100%. 

We have family that came in town this weekend. My dad's mom, sister, brother, and his brother's girlfriend. We haven't seen them in so long and it was a great day spent laughing and just loving on one another. 

I was talking to my aunt about daddy and all that is going on and I said, "You know, God did a pretty good job in picking daddy to have this disease." She looks at me and says, "You are so right, I said the same thing. He couldn't have picked a better man, He always has an awesome plan." 

I truly believe that God can heal my daddy of this horrid disease. I also know that God ultimately gets the glory 100% and even if he chooses to not heal daddy he is going to do something amazing through this battle. 

I saw my dad laugh and enjoy himself more today than I have in a very long time. It was a nice break from the normal. Seeing him like this brought comfort also. Seeing daddy be able to just enjoy time with family and just breath was nice. 

Just a brief update:

Depression is a big side effect of PSP. It hits fiercely and quickly. So they had daddy on Zoloft. The Zoloft did nothing but make him sleep. He was awake maybe 4 hours a day, he wouldn't make eye contact or talk much. This was not working well for him. So they changed him to an antidepressant on the opposite end of the spectrum. I can't remember the name of it; I believe it starts with an "L". Anywho, this has done wonders. He has more energy, he makes eye contact and will talk with us. This is a true answer to prayers. The only thing I've noticed is that he doesn't want to eat much and he has thrown up a good bit in the past two days. We are not sure what is causing this to happen. I'm praying we can figure this out soon. 

Some scriptures I found today on comfort that I loved, and I hope the bless you as well:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
(NIV)

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? (NIV)

Peace and Hope

Peace and Hope

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:1-5

My mom sent me this scripture today. We are learning to trust in this peace and hope that gives us our strength to go on every day. 

God is good no matter what. Through it all HE IS GOOD! 

We are often taught that  "God will never give us more than we can handle." I went most of my life angry at God because I never understood why bad things were happening when God would never give me more than I could handle. 

I have come to learn in 26 years that God WILL give us more than we can handle because when we get to the point of giving up we should cling tightest to Him and not our own efforts. 

So, this is what I am doing. For me personally, life right now is a roller-coaster of emotions. One day I am happy, no...I would more say OK, then the next day I am angry, and the next I am sad. People have told me lately they are impressed with how "poised" I am and that "I seem to be handling everything so well..." I just laugh to my self because this is NOT how I feel at all. I am a wreck. 

I learned a few years ago after much counseling and discipleship training that it is OK to be sad, it is OK to cry, it is OK to be a wreck. It does not mean I am weak. I am owning that. 

In the middle of finding out daddy's diagnosis God was sending me promises and messages through many different people. These messages were coming through Facebook, Instagram, sermons, and songs. Each one the same. The message was this "It is well, with my soul" I laughed a snarky laugh and said, "God, it is not well with my soul. I am no where close to being well in my soul. I am so angry with you. How could you even begin to say 'it is well with my soul?'" And then I realized he wasn't saying that my soul was well at that moment, he was saying I needed to make peace and grasp onto the truth that my soul CAN AND WILL be well. He is making beauty through this battle. 

So I will share the song that is my battle cry right now, It Is Well by Bethel

My favorite line in the song is this,

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

The waves and wind still know His name! How awesome is that? 

I hope in the middle of our battle you can learn with us. I hope this blog can help bring peace to others struggling and that more and more will learn about PSP. 

The Diagnosis

About five weeks ago we finally were given the actual diagnosis for daddy. He was diagnosed with PSP- Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. Progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP) is a neurodegenerative brain disease that has no known cause, treatment or cure. It affects nerve cells that control walking, balance, mobility, vision, speech, and swallowing. Five to six people per 100,000 will develop PSP. 

Common symptoms of PSP include:

• Loss of balance
• Changes in personality
• Loss of eye movement, including vertical movement
• Weakened movement of mouth and tongue
• Slurred speech
• Trouble swallowing

PSP is terminal, however the life expectancy of someone with PSP is 5-7 years. Sadly, diagnosis is difficult and once diagnosed, the person normally is already 2 years in or more. There is NO CURE and there is NO TREATMENT. There are a few medications to help "deal" with symptoms. But in my daddy's case they don't offer much relief. 

They believe daddy to be at least 3 years in, if not more. His symptoms are progressing rather quickly. His eyes do not move much anymore, and his eyelids do not stay open very long at all. Swallowing is beginning to get difficult; and he is beginning to get rigid. 

Life is changing quickly. My mom is having to be even more of a caretaker and also work full time. We don't know how much longer we have until he can no longer walk, talk, or swallow. 

This battle we are now facing is our Goliath. We are heartbroken, scared, and having to learn how to do life a whole new way. We know where our strength comes from and we are going in with all the strength of the Lord! 

We don't like this diagnosis and didn't ask for it, but we know that in all things God will receive the glory. 

If you would like to learn more about PSP please visit the CURE PSP website

The Day It All Changed

July 1, 2014 life as we new it changed for my family. On this day my daddy was officially diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. Life really began to change way before the official diagnosis came. About a year before this we began noticing daddy shake. Sometimes it was all day, sometimes it was just here and there. But it was not going away. March of 2013 daddy had major shoulder surgery. It was to reattach the bicep muscle in his right shoulder. The shaking got worse after this. Then he told us little things, like washing his hair was beginning to get harder to do; as if his brain wasn't communicating with his body.

In late August 2014 daddy went to have the DaTScan. This is a scan of his brain to determine if he, in fact, did have Parkinson's. The two week wait for results felt like an eternity. Much praying was happening on his behalf.

July 1, 2014 finally came. This day seemed to last even longer than an eternity. I waited by the phone, not so patiently. They never called. Then around 3pm there was a knock on my door. My kids were bouncing off the walls excited to see Nana and Pop. I knew at that moment what the scan showed. My parents came in and made chit chat with the kids. I, again not so patiently, was waiting for them to tell me the news.

"I have Parkinson's." My heart fell and then busted into millions, upon millions, of tiny pieces. I was sitting next to daddy when he told me. As my heart fell, I fell into his lap and cried. I felt like I would never stop. "You are only 53, this can't be right...I don't understand...its not fair....this sucks..." all of this managed to come out through the tears. He cried with me. My mom cried with us. I managed to get myself together and asked, "What does this mean?" His response, "I don't know much yet." He then began to explain what Parkinson's disease was.

In a nutshell: Parkinson's disease is a disorder of the brain that leads to shaking (tremors) and difficulty with walking, movement, and coordination." (Google) 

Parkinson's patients are given between a 10-15 year expectancy before they are completely bedridden or die. There are also a few stages of Parkinson's. At this point they didn't know exactly what stage he was in. They had also started him on a medication that was supposed to help his tremors and give him more energy. 

My broken heart then began to turn from sadness to anger. So angry I couldn't breathe. I laid in daddy's lap and told him this. He began to cry again said, "I know how you feel. You need to let it go, and let it go soon. Tell God you are angry and let him take it away." This was easier said than done. 

My anger lasted almost 4 months. I kept trying to give it up and I couldn't. My pride was getting in the way. I finally let it go and then began to grieve. 

Daddy's symptoms kept getting worse. He began having what they call "freezing spells." And it's literally where his body freezes up and can't move. It can last just a few seconds or up to a minute or more. In these moments we aren't supposed to talk to him. All we can do is make sure he doesn't fall over. Shortly after this his balance began to go. Not all the time, just some. His tremors got worse. His medicine wasn't working as it should. 

We didn't understand what was going on. No one wanted to talk about what was going on. My sister was bottling it all up inside and trying to plan her wedding that was supposed to happen in late October. My mom and daddy were trying to grieve and figure out how to handle everything. I, however, wanted to talk. I wanted to help. But, there was nothing I could do. 

I had to just keep praying and trying to breath. How do you breathe when there seems to be no air or answers?